it's running as fast as it can

i had the misfortune of ending up in line behind the crazy coupon lady at target last week. tragically, i didn’t notice her organizer full of coupons until i had the entire contents of my cart emptied onto the belt and it was too late to retreat. i opted, instead, for the highly passive-aggressive heavy sighs, hands-on-hips stance and burning stare while she pawed through every coupon ever printed for fully 5 minutes. when she tried to hand over several that were expired, i considered starting a grass-roots movement to make this sort of thing a crime along the lines of fraud. by the time i had finished my citizens arrest fantasy (that involved my wrestling her to the ground, my knee to her back while i proficiently cuffed her and handed her over to security), she was gone. as i watched her go, i fervently wished that she would get a painful and infected paper cut for making me stand in the checkout line an extra 5 minutes with my kids, who, during that time, managed to fondle and beg for every single impulse item and pack of gum. how many times in the span of 5 minutes should a person be required to tell their kid they can’t have any super glue?


i think everybody should have a rap name. mine is quickie-d, which i earned for the landspeed record i set in finalizing my divorce. henry’s is h-dogg, for the obvious reasons, and charlie’s is c-money, for no apparent reason. i don’t have rap names for the newest editions to my family yet. beau could easily be beau-diggity. and now that i read that, he shall henceforth be known as such. what to do with cameron? it’s such a white name. i’d probably have to name him after his red hair and just ignore the name completely. redman? meh. ginger-bread man? better, but not great. i’m open to suggestions on that. and of course the best rap name for someone named chris is already taken by luda. so i have two white members left in my family – please leave your suggestions in the comments section. this racial divide cannot continue.

my idea of a dream home has changed after living under the same roof with four young boys. while before i envisioned floor to ceiling windows overlooking the ocean, i now dream of bulletproof and smudgeproof surfaces that can’t be gazed out of during naptime when little eyes should be closed and mouths shut. i used to crave rich hardwood floors, but now i’m thinking more along the lines of concrete flooring with a drain in the center of each room for easy hosing down. in fact, ideally the house would be more of a boxcar shape, and each room would have a door on each side so that the house could be hosed out completely, floor to ceiling, room by room, and culminating in the gutter system outside the back door. and when i say “hose”, i mean FIREhose. how else are you gonna get up gum? so basically, it’s a cell block of sorts without the bars. or…WITH the bars. jury’s still out on that one.

the following questions should require no response as you are OBSERVING the action in question at the time you are asking it. however, the responses i would LIKE very much to give follow in parentheses:

you take a shower? (no, i just stood out in the sprinklers and then ran back into the bathroom and put on a towel)
you wake up? (i hope i’m still very much asleep because being asked that question yet again is a nightmare.)
you eating dinner? (great question. how did you guess? you’re so perceptive! nothing gets by you.)
you get dressed? (you’d think so, but i actually painted my naked body to look as though i’m wearing clothes. clever, no?)

the following comments should require no response as they are obvious statements of fact, and repeating them incessantly until such time as my head explodes does not make them any more noteworthy. my internal response to each follows in parentheses.

i go to sleep (duh!)
i wake up (the hell you say!)
i have my bear (duh!)
i have my clothes on (no shit!)
i eating dinner (DUH!)

sadly, sarcasm is wasted on the young.